Tragedy "On the Spectrum"

A young man in our neighborhood took his own life this month.  We did not know him other than having seen him perform for his next belt at the local karate dojo where our son went or to see him walking in the neighborhood.  Still, it hit hard knowing that a young person in our own neighborhood, who went to the same schools our critters will go to and was a member of our community battled internally so much that he saw this as the best solution, even for a moment.  Our thoughts and love go to his family and friends he left behind.

Here's where it took an even harder toll.  A fellow neighbor confided in us that he was "on the spectrum", and while that phrase could mean a myriad of things coming from a neighbor who also was not close to the family, to us, it means that another child battling anxiety, autism, attention like ours do did not feel safe, accepted and competent and certainly not included, enough to know that this was not a solution.  Again, our thoughts and love go out to his family and friends he left behind, even more so because we can relate to that phrase, "on the spectrum" and know it comes with an otherness for The Critter and our family that no intervention seems to change. Hugs and strength to all "on the spectrum".

After starting this post about Fighting to Fit, I find it more fitting to end this post here, simply with wishes for love and strength to all, especially our neighbors whom we did not know but wish we had, if only for them to know that they are safe and accepted by us in all their glorious differences.

Educating the Critters on Girls! Girls! Girls!

The critters are 10 and 12 - 5th & 7th grades and both are boys, both precocious in their own ways. Younger Critter googled his first "big sexy boobs" last year and The Critter did it just a couple weeks ago.  So, HOW to do more than only provide information or even only teach basics but instead fully ingrain sexual confidence and respect for self and others in today's age of easy access?? I do not have that answer, but that isn't stopping me from trying.

Most recently, in addition to the more typical books on bodies and sex listed further on in the blog, I purchased one called S.E.X. - The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties.  Chapter 6 on how sexual entertainment media is not real and never has been was quite helpful in explaining WHY I didn't want them ogling parts on the internet....  Oh, and there's a great introduction for parents in the front, too.  Helped me get past the too much information too soon worry.

This book is FAR more than the critters need as 5th and 7th graders.  However, all the other books I could find failed to address an important concept - sexuality.  Not just how it happens, when it should happen and respectful ways for it to happen, but the real formation of one's sexual self.  I certainly do not want the critters to grow up ashamed of their bodies and sexuality, but I also don't want them to grow up feeling like it is simply fun without any need for great thought and reflection.

It seems that many peeps of my generation or older have a level of secrecy or shame or discomfort with who they are sexually.  It also seems that many younger than myself have an openness and freedom in behavior, online and in person, that obscures the gravity of growing this part of ourselves in a healthy way and then sharing it with others.

So, I bought The Boy's Body Book and American Medical Association Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen.  I also bought the girl versions of these books for the boys.  They're great basic books, but are just that, basic. They miss the decisions that start this early that form sexual health - the decision to google or not to google, the decision to text about sex or not, the decision to ask someone out just because your friends are doing it and on and on and on.  They lack the words that tell our kids that they OWN their bodies and growing this in a safe and healthy way is THEIR responsibility. They certainly lack the words that show how this is done aside from abstinence vs. safe sex, it is a big gaping hole in sex ed across almost all sources.

These books weren't the start by any means.  When my 3rd grader came home saying that a boy on the playground said that "girls like to lick dicks", I knew it was time to start talking about not just how the parts work, but also respect for others sexually.  This goes waaaaaaay beyond "private parts are private" because well, as our kiddos reach adulthood, those private parts aren't so private anymore.  They will likely choose to share their parts and want to have others share with them, too.  All the positive body books in the world don't touch upon that at all, and the ones that do barely go beyond, "make sure you and your partner are ready" and then jump right in to the safe sex options.  However, eons before our kiddos reach THAT point, their sexual self has started to form. Their sexual perceptions of others has started to form.  I wanted to have THAT conversation with my boys. As a feminist, or at least that's what my house full of men tell me I am(hah!), I wanted to make SURE that they viewed females as sexual equals - not to be degraded or used or put on a pedestal.  I wanted to make sure that CONSENT was not just something thought of legally or at the last minute, but that they understood it is a process.  It is a process undertaken by responsible partners having adult-level conversations and requires deep communication and understanding of your partner.  If you don't reflect and understand yourself sexually, how do you have any chance of TALKING to another about it?  I know they'll be uncomfortable when they reach the sharing stage of their bodies, and that is a rite of passage I wouldn't take from them for all the world(first holding hands, first kiss, first sneaking the arm around the shoulder, first.....) but finding ways for them to reflect upon what they might want out of a romantic relationship as they grow seemed to be limited to mom talks.  YUCK!  They're both still pretty comfortable bringing any and all thoughts to mom for listening and discussion, but that is a'changing - as it should.  No boy going through their sexual growth wants to talk to MOM about it.  Ew Ew Ew

So, enter a book for older kiddos that helps them establish healthy concepts of sexual self.  Oy...

FYI - think your kiddo isn't looking at "stuff", yet?  Just ask them what an eggplant emoji means.  If they giggle or panic, you're already behind talking about SEX and electronic communication.