Words for the years

PERSEVERANCE

SELF CONTROL

CALM

FLEXIBLE

FRIENDLY

RESPONSIVE

INDEPENDENCE

COLLABORATIVE

HEALTHY


That's a lofty list of words, but I think a common one that floats through our heads as parents.  Maybe the letters are a little larger and backlit or even flashing in neon for parents with unique kiddos, but I think the list is the same.  These are words our family has used for our future year, either for the whole family or for just one of us.  My words for past years have been FRIENDLY, COLLABORATIVE and HEALTHY.  My husband does not really participate by truly owning a word for himself, but does a great job contributing his thoughts when we have our family sit down right at the start of the new year to pick words.

This year's word is INDEPENDENCE.  The critters thought CALM was a good word for them, but I increased the scope to INDEPENDENCE.  Now that both of them are mostly behaviorally stable and academically stable, those life skills that get missed along the way will be focused on.
For example, at what age did your kiddos or kiddos of friends who might slant closer to neurotypical learn to ask for help in the classroom?  2nd grade?  3rd grade?  Certainly by middle school, right?  At least learned to raise their hand to ask a question.  Not so with critters who may have learned that the adult in the room can't help them - not because they are incompetent or bad at teaching, but just because the help needed isn't something they know how to provide.  How do you help a kid calm down when talking to them or asking what is wrong or telling them that it's okay just makes it worse?
So, here we are learning things like self-calming and self-advocacy and self-care(cough cough hygiene!) years after many have already started these skills.  That is independence!  Independence from paraprofessionals.  Independence from me.  Independence from blaming me.  Independent ownership of their brains and bodies and thoughts and actions. They're finally ready for this at 11 & 13, and I cannot wait to see how it goes! Maybe an independent college experience is possible.  Maybe learning to drive at 16 is possible. Maybe telling others what they need because they know themselves is possible. Maybe a social circle is possible. Maybe marriage and grandchildren are possible. Maybe a rewarding career and healthy life are possible. We may be starting small with an alarm for the morning and working towards getting ready for school without constant reminders, threats of consequences and chronic badgering but mastering the little things has a ripple effect.  Mastering something small ripples through ALL other aspects of independence. As we(we because I have to back off and let mistakes happen while still supporting, so this is big for me, too) make this small change, the pathways built in a small piece of independence and self reliance(thank you Ralph Waldo Emerson - note to self, have The Critter read this) get used for other areas of life that need them - homework, social, hygiene, mealtimes, sleep schedule, med schedule, active participation in mental health care.
We will OWN this word for 2018, just like we owned PERSEVERANCE in 2015 and FLEXIBLE/FRIENDLY/RESPONSIVE in 2017. Just like I owned COLLABORATIVE in 2016 to stop looking at my spouse as an obstacle to drag kicking and screaming through this sped world behind me and start treating him like he is truly loved and valued, even if he is a few steps behind on the path sometimes.

Friendship is a Resource????

Gaining and maintaining friendships is not seamless for anyone.  While it may be easier for neurotypicals, it is still dedicated effort.  No matter how busy you are in your life, you have to text back, call back, take time from something - all to keep friendships.  I assume that for many neurotypicals, this is not that stressful and doesn't take a lot of "brain power" to do.  For those with differences, whether that is ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences, cognition differences, anxiety, etc. gaining and maintaining friendships TAKES LOTS of effort.  Firstly, many new people encountered in the typical school or neighborhood are just not a good fit so even finding someone who might be a friend can take effort and patience. Once that happens, all of those behaviors that are automatic for many take resources - brain power to remember and execute - and time to do that. Think about how difficult transitions can be - transition from home to the car, from the car to school, etc. Then, throw in high levels of unexpected and pepper in some social anxiety.  Every social interaction is like that for The Critter.  Even just texting a buddy takes up all the self control resources available and depletes all that brain power.
The internal resources that The Critter spends on a single kind-of friendship are immense.  So, then, if his ability to "friendship" others is limited, is this a limiting resource for everyone, even neurotypicals??

For myself, I cannot "friendship" with too many people.  I'm better spending my friendship resources in small doses.  It's better this way for both my friends and me in most cases.  I'm pretty intense and while I've successfully learned to hold back a lot, I'm still WAAAY intense.  Younger Critter has a friend (we'll touch on that friendship a little later here) whose sister is hyperkinetic.  I LOVE her because she talks and bounces at the speed I'm comfortable with.  She's AMAZING!  Her thoughts bounce around so fast like super excited atoms interacting in ways most humans cannot follow.  I LOVE it!!  Of course, I have two speeds - ON and OFF - and my ON is usually difficult for others to tolerate because it is HIGH FIDELITY and SUPER SONIC!! She makes me smile because I can drop my cloaking device and join her bouncy, superfast, super intense world for a little while.  Friendships require that I am ON, but have the cloaking device set to high too so that I can "friendship" like others expect, sooooo this takes a LOT of energy to turn down the ME.

On to Younger Critter's friendships.  We realized recently that because his close friend has a lower amount of the "friendship" resource, Younger Critter is also impacted lately.  Younger Critter is a bit of a late bloomer friendship-wise.  Until this bestie came along and he was ready, Younger Critter's interactions were not too enjoyable except with us or with The Critter.  He just did not have the underlying executive functioning, processing control, etc. to "friendship" well, even in low doses.  Enter growth and Bestie last year and Wowzers! has he come a long way.  Unfortunately, his "friendship" resources lately have outgrown his Bestie's resources.  He is ready for some small groups with other types whereas Bestie really does not enjoy that much with most others. Bestie also is highly jealous and still has some VERY sharp emotional edges that can make it difficult for him to allow others to get to know what an amazing kiddo he is just as he is. So, not only has Younger Critter's "friendship" resources outpaced his buddies', but other kiddos who may be a good fit for Younger Critter are not able to engage because of Bestie's sharp edges.  What to do as a parent?  Do we pull back the contact time with Bestie?  Do we let it ride, knowing that this is STILL a hugely beneficial relationship for both of them? Do we try to introduce a third player in to the time Bestie and Younger Critter spend together?  If so, what criteria do we use to gauge what might be a good fit AND how much adult presence to help coach through new learning opportunities should we provide? Do we have faith that interventions for both Younger Critter and Bestie will work and they will eventually be able to diversify their friendship resources? With middle school on the horizon, I think we'll just let Younger Critter and Bestie be.  Middle school friendships are volatile and impermanent as a rule, so why throw a wrench in to what is working early?