This question: whether to beat The Critter's ass(verbally) or to speak supportive, encouraging words and incentivize the behavior we want is constantly running through my mind. Basically, do I use a carrot or a stick today on this issue in front of us. This endless question seems to be louder and more oppressive to me(and I'm sure to him) as he ages. At 5, he was smaller and so seemed the lifelong trajectory of the decision to use a carrot or a stick and even if neither worked, giving in sometimes did like "FINE! You can keep your shoes off until we have to leave the car, and you can take them off again as SOON as we get to Grandma's, too" Small repercussions, right? I mean, he's not still refusing footwear...
However, the example today is that The Critter has not done much work on a 2-day math test at school. He might do 4 problems in 40 minutes while taking bathroom breaks and generally avoiding the work. The teacher has provided extra time, separate setting, whatever for him to do this. I even dropped him off early to work on it this morning. So, my mom-of-a-teen voice(and dad's voice, too) say "Take away all his media!! This is important! How can he be so disrespectful?? Doesn't he understand that schoolwork is important?? If he can't do this now, how will he do it later? If he can't do this now, how will he do it in college when we are not there? If he can't do this now, how will he ever live independently?" and on and on and on. The less emotional, sped-knowledgeable voice says "What is the hurdle that he doesn't have the tools to solve? What aspect of his different abilities is causing this behavior? What function is this avoidance serving?" Pretty damn calm, right? I've worked HARD on cultivating THAT voice. heh heh. The my-kid-is-in-pain-mama-bear voice says "WHY can't they get him to work? I'll just put a new video game on the end of this test." You can imagine how much fun it is having all these disparate voices in my head along with the cacophony of all the external voices - his, his dad's, the teacher's, his behaviorist's. Some days I truly feel like Sybil with 16 distinct personalities(and YES, we can go on about how mental health is treated horribly in the media and how MPD is now DID and whether this specific case is really an accurate portrayal of that mental health need) roaming about in my head. BUT, that is a ME problem and one that as a parent, we simply take on.
So, how did we, well HE, solve this(because we have to remember that it is not MY problem, it is HIS problem - I'm just here to help him. Helping him is my problem, not how to take a damn math test)? He FINALLY told his teacher that he couldn't do it without a calculator. He went on to the calculator active parts of the test and aced those parts. So his problem was with the executive function aspect of stepping through problems without a calculator AND with having to write(dysgraphia, remember) down ANY steps to help him remember where he was in the problem. This is 8th grade math, so lots of steps, lots of calculations. THAT part of the problem is related to his different brain and his fierce refusal to learn assistive tech for math and to write ANYTHING. However, not telling the teacher what he was struggling with so the teacher could help him plot a better course of action than days-long avoidance tactics is the much bigger problem here. As soon as he let the words of his struggle fall out of his mouth instead of spinning round and round in his brain and body, he solved the problem and solved it with a high B despite all the wrong/incomplete answers on the calculator inactive section. I used the stick in this instance, and was SO relieved that it worked.
Most parents use the stick, I think and life is based on a stick response. If he doesn't do a test in school, he gets a bad grade but doesn't care that much since he knows the material. If he doesn't do work in a job, he gets fired and can't pay for electricity to play all those cool games he has, so the stick I used this time is as close to a natural consequence for a future in real life situation as I could come up with. Regardless of stick vs. carrot, I think the most important thing I can do here is to combine those voices: the mom-of-a-teen, the mama bear, the sped parent, and come up with an approach to truly HELP, not solve, but HELP. We learn through struggle and that is so important with teens who are differently wired. The Critter's ability to handle any level of struggle was so low for so long that he needs to stretch that skill. He needs to gain confidence in being uncomfortable and embrace himself and his skills by sharing his needs with others. If I respond and solve every problem he is having with every teacher, he'll get awesome grades all the time, but he won't learn the skills to live his life on his terms. If I don't put him in the driver's seat and step back a little, he certainly will never live independently, even if he wears shoes everywhere.
So, carrot or stick?? Both and neither. Is asking what the problem is instead of yelling it a carrot or just caring? Is rewarding him with hugs and dinner choice for FINALLY telling his teacher what the problem was and solving it a carrot or just celebrating him embracing his needs? Is telling him that there will be zero media usage until school is out a stick or just helping him learn that in later life there are natural consequences? Is him getting a high B instead of an A because he would not work some of the problems a stick or a natural consequence? Is the reward for using this experience as practice for the final end of grade test so he could learn better mechanisms than avoidance for long problems with no calculator a carrot or just a life lesson?
Love your kids. Love ALL of them, not just the parts that don't make you crazy. The struggles are just a lesson for later - for us and for them.
No comments:
Post a Comment